In April 2004, I told my husband that I wanted to wait another year before we got married. I was wanting to accomplish some goals in my finances, school and my career before I married him. I believed since my husband had been with me through so much in the almost 5 years we had known each other at that time, that he wouldn’t mind waiting one more year.
My husband said to me “I don’t know if I’m going to be around to wait on you for another year. If we don’t get married this year, I can’t say that I will wait”! I was SURPRISED! I was like, surely this man is not saying he will not wait around on ME! After all that we have been through? HOW DARE HE? But really it was HOW DARE ME? How dare I be so self centered in what I wanted and THOUGHT that he should wait on me for another year? See, MANY would say what I said which was, “If he really loves me, he will wait”! But that’s just it, he had been waiting since he had proposed in 2002. He had been waiting since wanting to marry me within the first 6 months of meeting. He had been waiting while I get delivered in certain areas of my life. Why in the world was I trying to make him wait AGAIN?
Because I honestly wanted to finish up my goals and dreams of advancing my career and getting more licenses and degrees under my belt. When I shared with my husband why I wanted to do those things he said to me, “I never want to stop or hinder you from doing the things you want to do to better yourself, but why are you making it seem like I would be hindering you if we married”? I said, “Because I will have to be your helpmeet and put my dreams and goals on hold to help you.” My husband told me straight up, “I want to be with you when you accomplish the things you want to accomplish just like I want you with me when I accomplish the things I want to accomplish! I want us to do this together, but I HONESTLY do not think I am going to wait another year to marry you. I love you and I want to marry you, but I want to marry and start a family”! The rest of this story is on our video, but needless to say, we married May 6, 2004, which was about a month after having that conversation. LOL! #I’mNotAFool
My point was, yes ladies, we can have unrealistic expectations about the role of men. Many of us believe they should wait on us forever no matter what, even while we pursue our dreams. Some of us believe that marriage is a hindrance while we are in pursuit of our goals instead of a blessing, so we turn down that man of God and HOPE and BELIEVE that he will stick around and wait on us or that another one will come along when we have reached our goals. After I had a talk with another man who was married who gave me great advice, I knew that if I let my husband get away, another GODLY woman would be willing to swoop him up.
A lady by the name of Olaniyi Adebayo Hmn once said, “…The ladies many a times too are causative factor…some are so committed to their career that they wouldn’t want any form of distraction”. That is what I am addressing here now. Sometimes women can be so goal oriented and career driven that they think marriage will interfere. Is it wrong for a woman to pursue her goals etc? No. But it is wrong to complain about men who you feel won’t commit, yet you won’t commit either! And it is wrong to complain about men not pursuing if you are not allowing yourself to be pursued because of your career/goals. There seems to be a double standard when it comes to men and women in relationships. Men get labeled extremely quick for being afraid to commit but not women. So when women choose to pursue careers over marriage yet complain about men committing, there is a beam in their eye that they must remove before saying that about men.
My whole point is this, single ladies, it may be time to examine yourselves, take any beams out of your eyes and THEN look clearly at why many of our single brothers may not be pursuing. It may not be that they are afraid to commit, it may be that they are afraid to pursue and take second place to careers and pursuits of goals, so they fall back. Could it be that this is all a chain reaction where EVERYONE in the body of Christ is affected? Very possible as when one member is affected, WE ALL ARE AFFECTED. So know that my husband and I hear from many single women and men who are frustrated, and it affects us too! Let’s pray for one another in this area but let’s also admit how we “MAY” have played apart in any of this and remove any beams in our eyes so we ALL can see better. Just as we encourage our sisters in the Lord, we encourage our brothers too! So we are going to continue these posts until we get to the bottom of “single men pursuing” as God leads us! We pray men and well as women are enlightened after these posts and that God gets the Glory! #Let’sRemoveAnyBeams
Matt 7:4, “You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”